All Or Nothing
by chibimaritza
Summary: Quinn makes her way to NYC to finally meet up with Rachel. After a while Rachel starts noticing things aren't right. Quinn is acting weird and it's slowly starting to scare Rachel.
1. Welcome

Quinn's POV

"Rachel, where are you?"

I can't believe this, where is she now? I've been standing here for ages and she still hasn't come back.

"Rachel! Get out!"

She walked out in the middle of my sentence and honestly, my breath was taken.

"How do I look?" she asked with a excited tone in her voice.

"You look great" I said, looking at her.

She smiled and showed me around the rest of the apartment. It was small but it was nice, now that Kurt moved in with Blaine she lives alone, it fits her.

"Aaand, this is the bedroom"

"It's nice" I said and turned around "How did you afford this place anyways?"

"My dads helped.. And you know, money from working at the diner and that one broadway show I did" Rachel said and looked up at me "I'm glad you finally used the train ticket I gave you, Quinn" she smiled and walked me out of the room into the small kitchen.

"Why didn't you just stay at your other place, Kurt moved out right?" I asked

"I wanted something new. A fresh start, that place reminds me too much of my past" Rachel said and took out two bottles of water. She threw one for me to catch and started drinking out of hers.

"I understand" I said and let out a soft, silent sigh "I haven't been here since we were here with the Glee Club, do you care to show me around? We should go out while I'm here"

"Are you sure? I mean, you just got here.. Aren't you tired?" Rachel asked.

"I'm perfectly fine, Rachel. Let's go somewhere and we'll come back here later" I said and smiled at her.

We went out and Rachel took me to this italian ice cream place some blocks away from her apartment. It was perfect, the weather was nice and the sun striked our eyes every now and then.

"That ice cream was amazing, thank you. New York is beautiful"

"No problem, Quinn. I know I've said it already but I'm really happy you're here" Rachel said and looked at me with her brown eyes "I've been through a lot, you know?" she said again.

"You don't have to explain anything to me. I understand.. I mean, me of all people" I said and looked away at my left, people were walking around hand in hand, some were kissing and others were having picnics on the clear green grass.

Rachel just looked at me and she gave a light smile with her lips and we continued to walk.

"I'm glad we're friends"


	2. Oops

It was a beautiful morning, you could hear Rachel sing from the kitchen and the sound of eggs being fried. Quinn stretched her arms and got out of bed, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and changed into another outfit. She didn't want to walk around in her pajamas.

"Good morning"

"Morning" Rachel said and looked at Quinn with the biggest smile on her lips "I'm making us breakfast"

"It smells great, thank you. It's nice to be spoiled like this" Quinn said and smiled at Rachel.

"What do you want to do later?" Rachel asked now as she kept cooking.

"Can't we stay in, it's a bit chilly and I feel like watching a movie and having take out for dinner today" Quinn said.

It surprised Rachel, Quinn isn't the "stay in and watch movies" kind of girl, but she liked it.

"Sure we can! As long as I get to choose movies..." Rachel said and looked like a excited child.

"Of course. I guess this means we'll watch every musical ever made?" Quinn said with a tiny bit of sarcasm in her voice.

Rachel laughed and took the pan off the stove, took the eggs and put them on plates, two eggs for her and two for Quinn. They sat down and started eating their breakfast.

"Not this time, I'll be fair" Rachel added.

"So what did you choose?" Quinn asked and looked at the pizza carton on the table in front of the tv.

"It's really good, don't worry!" Rachel shouted from her room.

"How can I not worry when she chooses the movie.." Quinn mumbled to herself and sat down on the couch.

Thirty seconds later Rachel comes back, she puts the DVD in the player and sits down right next to Quinn. They started digging in the pizza, they hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.

"A musical, I knew it" Quinn said

"But this is really good. It's about a girl who fell in love with this guy and he doesn't love her back so she just keeps singing her way through the constant pain she's feeling because she knows she'll never make him hers" Rachel said while she kept staring at the tv screen "give it a chance" she said again and leaned back on the couch.

1,5 h into the movie, Quinn started to feel the boredom. She hated this movie already and it was 2 hours left of it. She tried not to fall asleep and seem interested but it only worked for a while until Rachel actually noticed she didn't like the movie.

"We can stop watching if you want.." she said and looked at Quinn with puppy eyes.

"No, it's okay. We can watch. I'm just a bit tired, don't mind me"

"Quinn, I know you, you can't fool me" Rachel said and laughed. "I'm turning it off"

_Thank God, I thought it wouldn't work, _Quinn thought to herself and watched Rachel go up and turn the DVD player and tv off.

"Happy now?" she said when she went back to the couch.

"Thank you" Quinn answered and laughed a little bit "What now?"

"You can either choose another movie or we go out somewhere" Rachel said and pointed to the drawer with all the movies.

"I actually just feel like sitting and talking. Do you have any pictures from high school?" Quinn asked.

"Hello, have you forgotten who you're talking to?" Rachel laughed "I have a whole album filled with pictures of us all"

Rachel went to her bedroom and got the photo book. She sat next to Quinn and opened it.

"This is very... organized" Quinn said, not knowing if she was amazed or annoyed.

"Well you know me" Rachel answered "Look, this was the first picture we took together. I remember this so clear" she said and pointed at a picture of Rachel, Finn, Santana, Quinn and Mercedes.

"I looked so young, it's weird how much I've changed"

"You're still beautiful, Quinn"

Quinn didn't even answer, she just looked at Rachel, smiled, blushed a little and looked down at the photo book again. Rachel leaned her head on Quinn's shoulder just like she always did. She just didn't understand that for Quinn, this was really hard. So many feelings, memories and regrets came running back to her. So, she did what she thought she had to do, she slowly curled her way out of the situation.

"Is something wrong?" Rachel asked, looking at Quinn with a worried face.

"No, no. I just need a glass of water" Quinn lied and went up to drink her water.

Rachel didn't give in, like the stubborn person she was, she went after Quinn and stopped her from opening the fridge and getting a bottle to fill her glass with. She took her by the arm so she would stop moving.

"You're acting really weird. Can you tell me what's wrong? Quinn, if you don't want to be here.. It's okay. I just thought we'd have fun and you would have more space, you can sleep at Santana's and Brittany's place if you'd like" Rachel said without pausing between her sentences.

Quinn couldn't help but smiling, she find it really cute whenever Rachel did that thing when she gets overly excited or stressed about something. Even tho it can be really annoying sometimes.

"It's not that I don't want to be here" Quinn said and paused, took a deep breath and continued "There's just a lot you don't know. A lot I want to tell you, but I'm not ready" Rachel looked up at Quinn, right in the eyes and she just couldn't believe her ears.

"Oh my god, are you pregnant?" she asked.


	3. Express yourself

Rachel's POV

"Pregnant?" Quinn laughed "Are you crazy?!" she said and sat down by the kitchen table.

"I don't know, I thoug-..."

"I'm not pregnant, Rachel" Quinn interrupted "If I was, you would know by now"

Quinn looked at me with her hazel eyes and they kept staring at me as if I was doing something wrong, her eyebrows furrowed and she leaned her head on her hands as if it weighed 100 lbs. It was pretty obvious Quinn didn't feel so good. I could sense it without her telling me or even saying anything about it.

"My trip here wasn't spontaneous" she admitted

"What do you mean?"

"Just let me finish, and listen" Quinn said and let out what sounded like a really heavy sigh "For years, I have been trying to push feelings away and pretend I'm okay all the time"

I just looked at Quinn and waited for her to keep going, it seemed like it was very hard for her to speak about this. I sat down on the chair next to her without saying a word, for once I would let her talk and not cut her off.

"I remember the first time we met, I despised you. I hated everyone who was happy, just because I wasn't. I was unhappy with myself, my life and everything around me" she took another, long and deep breath "I felt like my life would come crashing down everytime I saw people laughing, I knew I had to fake a laugh and pretend I liked being around them"

I could feel my eyebrows starting to crease in the middle as she took a long pause. I have no idea what she was trying to tell me here. Does she want me to know she hates me? Is that why she came all the way to New York. I didn't understand and as much as I wanted to figure out what she was trying to say, I didn't ask a single question.

"I think.. or I know, I'm not a good person" she added and exhaled.

"Quinn, you're not a bad person.. You just have many unresolved issues" I placed my hand on her shoulder and waited for her to look at me. She did directly and I continued "A bad person would not admit that she was wrong, a bad person would deny it when people tried to tell them. But you, you admit you've made bad choices in your life"

Quinn just looked at me and laughed. I think about the part that I said 'you admit you've made bad choices in your life' but she has, we all have. She deserves the truth.

"You don't understand" she said and grabbed my hand "I _enjoy _hurting people"

"So you say, hurting me, it would make you happy?"

Quinn took her time before answering my question. She looked at me and squinted with her eyes.

"Have you forgotten who made your high school life a living hell repeatedly?" she said and eagerly stared into my eyes.

"I know but you didn't mean any of it, I believe that. We were children" I said and hoped she would agree with me.

"Open your eyes, Rachel. Stop being so damn blind, this isn't a joke" she said and pushed my hand of her shoulder.

"Is this what you wanted to tell me? Nothing else?" I asked.

I looked into Quinn's eyes and out of nowhere I could see them get watery, faster than I thought she threw herself in my arms and cried, she cried like a lost child.

* * *

I carefully stepped out of the shower, I didn't want to slip and break something. I took the towel I had hung on the hook earlier and ruffled my hair dry with it and rolled it around me. I opened the bathroom door to get to my room so I could get dressed, I carefully pushed the doorknob down and found Quinn sitting on the bed. She didn't look up at me. She was sitting there in her navyblue blouse and light skinny jeans, her blonde hair perfectly fallen on her shoulders with her eyes glued on the bedroom floor.

"Quinn?"

She looked up at me and let out a smile.

"Sorry, I didn't see you" she said and stood up "I'll wait out there"

She went out and I started getting dressed, I combed my half-wet hair and took the blowdryer out of the top drawer by my mirror and started drying my hair, after that I took out the outfit of today. A green leather zip skirt with a printed tee and a long cardigan.

* * *

"You have to taste this pie, Quinn" I said and put a piece on my fork and gave it to her.

She looked at it first as if she was grossed but gave in seconds after.

"This is amazing" she said and gave out the biggest smile I've seen her let out since she got here.

"This place has great pies and other pastries, me and Kurt used to come here all the time when we first moved to New York"

"Sounds like fun" she said with a jeering tone.

I didn't comment it.  
I wanted to bring up what we talked about earlier today because I know there's something else she isn't telling me, I just know it. That emotional breakdown wasn't because she thinks she has some kind of mental illness. But I was afraid I would make her snap or something.

"I got a broadway call back again. I couldn't be happier.. It's for the new version of Funny Girl, I'm taking baby steps into becoming the new Barbra" I said and laughed. No one could ever replace Barbra.

"Baby steps" Quinn said and laughed "Good one"

I looked at her, relieved that she laughed with me and not just sat there all quiet, like she did most of the time now.

"Do you want to know a secret?" she said after a long moment of silence which I tried to fill by talking about my personal life but Quinn couldn't care less about that.

"Sure" I said and smiled at her.

"I've always had a soft spot for you, Berry"


	4. It means

Rachel's POV

_Soft spot. _What did she mean by soft spot. I couldn't stop thinking about it for three days straight, she didn't explain when I asked her either she just sighed and changed the subject.  
I looked at her, she was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with a cup of tea in her hands. I couldn't stop observing her. I don't know why but something about her face made me curious. It's nothing new that I've always thought Quinn is perfect, but this time it was a different kind of look I gave her.

"Will you stop staring at me?"

"What?"

"You've been staring at me for 10 minutes straight" Quinn said and chuckled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't notice" I said and walked over to her "what did you mean when you said you have a soft spot for me?"

Quinn looked up at me from where she was sitting and smirked with a bit of pride in her eyes.

"So you're still thinking about that?"

"Honestly I haven't stopped since you said it.." I said and looked down at my feet.

Quinn stood up and just stared at me with no face expression at all. It was like her face was empty but yet she smized a bit.

"What do you think I meant?" she said and took one step closer.

"I- I don't know"

She didn't move now, she stood at the same exact spot. Her body was almost pressed against mine but she didn't step back, and surprisingly, neither did I.  
I don't know why I was being so weird about all of this, I mean, it's Quinn. My friend Quinn.

"I think you know exactly what I meant, but you're too afraid to realize it. Am I right?" Quinn said and brushed her hands through my hair.

For some weird reason, I loved the feeling I got when she did that. It was like butterflies, but better.. Stronger.

"I thi-.."

She put her finger index finger on my lips to stop me from talking. She lowered her head so her lips were right beisde my ear.

"Don't say it, don't ruin it" she whispered.

"What are you doing, Quinn.." I asked when I felt her hands on my neck, my voice was low, my eyes confused and my face blushed.

"Nothing, nothing" Quinn said and took a step back "I'm going out for a walk" she said and walked towards the coat hanger.

"At this time?"

"What? Are you scared of monsters?" she said and smiled the way she did when she was being a tease. A perfect smile with visible teeth and a spark in her eyes.

"No, I just think it's a bit late" I said

"I need fresh air, Rachel. I'll be back soon"

"Can I come with you?"

"I'd rather just.. Go alone" Quinn said and took her jacket and walked out.

Quinn walked out the door and I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened. I got many feelings I couldn't figure out and I had thoughts I never had before.. Not like this. I walked into the bedroom. Only now did I react to the fact that me and Quinn shared the same bed, I didn't care or think about it until now. I laid down on the left side of the bed, that was always my side. I picked up the book I had started reading from of the nightstand and opened it up, I needed to get my mind of this whole situation for now, or else I would go crazy.

When I put the book down after reading for around 30 minutes, which honestly didn't help at all I looked at the clock and it was almost midnight and Quinn had been out for nearly an hour. I wanted to call and ask if she was okay but I really didn't want to bother her. My eyelids began to feel like heavy rocks over my eyes and it was almost impossible to stop yawning.. I just didn't want to sleep until I was sure Quinn was okay, until she got home.

Quinn's POV

I looked around the park.. It was empty, all you could hear was the wind hitting against the swings and the leaves were dancing around me. You could notice that the fall was on it's way, it was beautiful. I looked at the watch around my wrist, 12.30 am. I could only imagine how worried Rachel was, that girl was almost never calm, she always had something to worry about. If not her loved ones, it was some kind of audition and if it wasn't that either she always found something to be stressed about.  
I started walking back to the apartment, this park was hidden so when I got back into the "open world", city lights striked my eyes and people were walking around everywhere, even at this time. Some were dressed up, probably for a party, some were already drunk and most people were just casually wandering around the streets, like I was doing.

After taking a pretty long walk until I got to the apartment, I rushed up the stairs and when I stood in front of the door I took a deep breath, hoping Rachel wouldn't be all over the place, lecturing me about how dangerous it is to be outside at this time. I carefully slipped the key into the keyhole and pushed the doorknob down. When I walked in I silently took my outerwear off and took soundless steps towards the bedroom. I opened the door up and found Rachel sleeping on the left side of the bed. I don't even know why she owned a double bed but I guess it was good, for times like this. I walked towards her side and stood there, watching her sleep, she didn't make any noise but you could hear her let out small puffs sometimes and she wrinkled her nose too every now and then. I sat squatting so my head was at the same height level as hers when she was lying down. I softly grabbed a strand of her hair and enjoyed the softness of it brushing against my fingers. She made a unexpected move that made me quickly remove my hand out of her hair. I exhaled, relieved over her not waking up. I sat down on my knees now and let my hands lean on the little empty space between her and the edge of the bed.

"It means one thing, Rachel" I whispered, knowing she couldn't hear me.

"It means I adore you, all your ways, the colour of your eyes and your hair" I said and paused, making sure she was sleeping.

"It means I've been waiting forever to let you know" pausing again, staring at her intensely. She didn't make a move so I continued.

"I didn't want to tell you, you don't deserve someone like me. I'm not any good, not for you, not for anyone"

I gently leaned over to kiss her forehead and stood up. I walked towards the door, I turned around and looked at her again. A part of me kind of hoped she heard all of this, but the bigger part didn't.

"It means I'm sickeningly in love with you, always have been" I whispered.


	5. At Last

Quinn's POV

Pain. How do I even describe pain? Is it when you don't get to love the person you want to love, when the person you love leaves or when the person you love doesn't love you back? I have no idea. Some say pain is when you don't have people in your life.. no family, no friends.. My definiton of pain is hate.

Ever since I told Rachel how I really feel, well yes, she didn't hear me.. But still, I've been looking at her differently, just like she has with me. We don't talk as much, It's like I just live here, it's like we don't have a friendship or some kind of connection at all. It's the usual "good morning", "I'm going out" or "see you later". Rachel goes to work and I stay in or go around the town shopping alone. Even though this trip wasn't what I expected, I still like it. I still like it because I'm closer to her than I was before, I can reach out to her if I want to.. But I'll wait, i'll wait until the time is right. She'll notice when.

"Hey" I said when Rachel walked in.

"Hi, Quinn" she said and hurried into the bedroom.

"Why are you so stressed?"

"I'm meeting Kurt in like 20 minutes, you know how it is with the traffic in the city and he'll eat me alive if I'm late"

She's meeting Kurt.. And she didn't ask me to go with. I mean, I am a guest and she keeps leaving me alone all the time.

"What are you going to do?" I asked while she quickly put her bags on the bed and changed outfit like 3 times.

"We're going for a movie and dinner, or something" she said and walked out to the living room "I guess.. you can come with us. If you want to" she finally said, but I noticed she actually didn't mean it.

"No. I'll stay here, I wouldn't want to bother you"

Without even insisting or saying anything, she gave me a quick look, opened the door and just stood there and stared at me for a while and walked out. I locked the door and sat down by the kitchen table. She wasn't like this, just one week ago she was the one who always dragged me out, I don't know what changed.

I'm thinking about going back home sometimes, even though I love being close to her like this, like old times. I can just book a ticket and I'll be on my way.. But I can't, not now.

I took out my journal that I keep to pass time, to write down thoughts I can't share with people and rant about stuff I can't say out loud and walked over to the living room couch. I opened the first page and started writing.

_Day 236, September 21st, 2012._

_In New York, people aren't as kind as they are in Ohio, it's a stressful city. They don't have time. How do I compare a small town with this?_

_However, I told Rachel. I told her how I feel, but I told her in the wrong way. She was asleep. I've got a weird feeling ever since, she's been ignoring me and I'm not on her mind. Is it possible that she heard me? I don't think so. I hope not._

_There's so much more she doesn't know, so much poor Rachel would be shocked to hear. She would probably never talk to me.. Not that it has anything to do with her, but still. I don't understand, why did I fall in love with her? With Rachel, out of all people? She is the first person who's made me feel like this. I've had boyfriends, none of them has ever brought feelings like this to life. She's something special. _

I put the journal down on the living room table and closed my eyes, took a deep breath and walked towards my bag. I took them out and swallowed two right away with a bottle of water. I know I said I would stop, but getting rejected by the person I love brings too much I don't want to remember back.

"Quinn?" I heard someone say.

"Rachel" I whispered and quickly closed the gallipot and threw it inside my bag and closed it.

"What are you doing?" she asked, she was talking to me.

"Nothing, I'm cleaning"

She just looked around the room, it wasn't perfectly clean so she probably figured out I was lying..

"Oh, I see. Were you that bored?" she asked again and sat down on the bed and took her earrings off.

"I guess. Why are you back already anyway? It's been like one and a half hour?" I asked her.

"Kurt had to go, he got called in for a night shift at work. He needs the extra money so.." she said and awkwardly took her shirt off, like she actually didn't want to change in front of me. I could see her squint at my direction now and then to make sure I wasn't looking. Pathetic.

"See you out there, I'll give you some privacy"

She just nodded and forced a smile out. I'm surprised she actually talked to me today, she's just been saying hi or bye these past days. I want to ask why, but I won't. I took the teapot and poured tea in two cups, two teaspoonfuls sugar in each cup. I sat down on the chair by the kitchen table and waited for her to come back out. Around two minutes later she did.

"You made tea?" she asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like you made tea" she said and laughed "Quinn, I'm so sorry" she continued and sat down beside me.

"Why are you apologizing?" I said, even though I knew why.

"I've been a horrible friend these days.. That's actually why I came back so early.. I kept feeling bad for leaving you alone so I told Kurt I have to work"

"You didn't have to.." I said and smiled down at my tea.

"No but I did have to. It's just that since you know, that day.. I've been feeling weird around you"

My heart almost stopped beating. Could this mean..? No it couldn't. I shouldn't even think about it, she's probably just thinking about being awkward around me, like she was in the bedroom before.

"Weird good or weird bad?"

"Weird kind of both good and bad" she said and looked concerned.

I looked at her, wanting to ask her so many questions but I didn't want to be pushy.. She would just get even more freaked out, I could tell she was a bit freaked.

"I'm in the mood for a movie" she said and walked towards the living room with her teacup in her hands. She sat down on the same spot I was sitting on before "Come" she said and clapped on the empty spot beside her with a big smile on her face "I know what we can watch"

Without even thinking I just did, I walked towards her and sat down beside her. We put the cups on the table in front of us and then, she saw it.

"What's this?" she said and picked the journal up, looking at the front of it. It was dark brown.

"It's nothing, give it to me" I said and tried to take it from her but she stretched her arm so I wouldn't reach it from where I was sitting.

How the fuck could I be this stupid? The things that are written in that journal.. It's not good.

"Rachel, give the my journal back" I commanded.

"You keep a journal, I didn't know you were that poetic, or is it artistic?" she said and laughed just to taunt me.

I tried to reach for it again but she kept teasing me, she opened the first page up and started reading out loud.

"Day 1..."

"Rachel!" I yelled and reached for it again "Stop!"

She jumped up and started running around the apartment.

"August, 12th..." she yelled, still running

I ran after her and caught her by the waist. She tried to curl her way out of my arms but she couldn't so she used all her power to throw herself on the floor so we both fell. And yes, typically, I fell right on top of her. She still tried to roll her way out with the journal in her right hand. I grabbed her arm, really hard.

"Quinn, you're hurting me" she said but still with a bit of laugh in her voice.

"Don't fuck with me" I said and aggressively dragged it out of her hand and sat down on the floor, right beside her. She was still laying down.

"Why are you so worried about me reading it?"

"It's private" I said.

All the sudden I could feel someone grab my hand, stroking my knuckles. I looked down and Rachel was looking at me with wide eyes. I tried pulling my hand away to go put the journal in my bag, where she couldn't touch it but she didn't let me.

"Rachel, stop. I'm not a big fan of floor picniks"

"Lay down beside me" she said

I looked at her and let out a soft laugh.

"I will not lay down on the floor beside you. It's dirty"

"You're sitting on the floor, what's the difference. It's not like the apartment is a garbage room. Just do it"

I finally did. I put my head down beside her and she grabbed my hand again.

"There's something I've always wanted to try" she said.

She looked at me, I don't know if she was waiting for me to answer but she didn't make a move or say something after that. She just laid there, staring into my eyes. The beige wood floor started to feel cold under my body but I didn't feel like moving, yet.

"It's risky but I've always wanted to"

Rachel let go of my hand and put it on my chest.

"Why is your heart not beating fast, like mine is?" she asked.

"Because I'm used to being nervous around you"

"You are?" she asked, placing her hand on my cheek "What does that mean?"

"Ever since the first time I laid eyes on you, my heart has been beating just like yours is doing now"


	6. Open your heart

Rachel's POV

"_I didn't mean to hurt her. She hurt me. She dated Finn. She took him away from me when all I tried to do was to take him away from her. All this.. Becuase I knew she was madly in love with him, so the only way to make him avoid her was to date him. She won though, she won him while she slowly lost me."_

I took a deep breath, trying not to freak out. Not to shout, not to wake her up. I turned the page and read from another part of the journal.

_"I know that woman haven't done anything to me, but seeing her happy made me so damn angry so I had to make sure she never smiled again. I "accidentally" stole her ID, her bank card.. And well, her kid is in a wheelchair, temporarily. That part really was an accident. I panicked."_

I can't tell if all this was real or not.. Was Quinn.. Crazy? Was she evil? Was I right about her, about all I ever thought she was but pushed away..? If I kept reading, it would make me a real jerk but that thought flew away as soon as I understood that taking her journal, invading her privacy made me a jerk in the first place. With other words, I kept reading.

_"I remember pushing Jasmine, a freshman, a dork with no friends. I pushed her into the toilet stall with the help of Santana, but that coward left as soon as she knew what I was about to do. She said it was too much, that I had gone to far._

_I took Jasmine's wrist and gave her a cut with the blade hidden in my wallet. She cried, she cried a lot. Claiming I ruined her skin.. But truth is, she was dirty anyway. We all were. I asked Jasmine, I said "Have you ever tried killing yourself?" she just cried more. She tried to resist me, she tried to run out. I think she thought I would murder her or something, I wasn't going to.. I'm not evil, I'm just mean.. Sometimes. However, I let her go, that little freshman"_

I stopped reading, and this was only after page 5 of the journal, I didn't understand how someone could be that cruel. I always knew Quinn was a bitch sometimes but I never believed she was truly evil, from the heart and out. Never.

I closed the journal and walked back to the bedroom and slipped it into her bag, I placed it right in the way it was before. I laid down on my side of the bed, with no hope at all that I would get any sleep tonight. I was scared of the fact that Quinn had been so obsessed, not only with me.. But with hurting others, hurting people who were happier than her. I turned around so my face was facing hers. Her small inhales, her perfectly shaped nose and lips and the blonde hair spread all over the pillow. When I saw Quinn's face, I didn't think Evil. I thought butterflies, I thought perfection.. I thought about her voice whispering into my ear earlier tonight saying _"you didn't have a clue.."_ while we were lying on the floor right in the middle of the room with her arms around my waist. I thought about all our memories, fights and I wondered how it would feel to kiss her.

I looked over at the digital clock on my right side. 6.07 am. That means I slept for one hour. Thank God for that. I haven't stopped thinking about what I read.. And God knows I won't be able to fight myself, I know I will keep reading even though I'll do my best not to. As long as the journal is there and I know it's easy for me to take it, my stubborn side wins.

My dilemma right now is if I should to tell Quinn I know, or act like I know or just play cool and pretend I know nothing until I've read enough.. Or the whole thing. I want to know her secrets, the darkest ones. The secrets she wouldn't tell any living soul on this planet.

"Quinn?" I asked when we sat outside at the coffee place just around the corner from the diner.

My shift had just ended and Quinn was shopping so we decided to meet up right after. It was a sunny, spring day and we had no plans so why not.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?" I asked, Quinn just nodded with the iced latte in her hands. "Do you think about me a lot? I mean, do you like me?"

"Haven't I made myself clear about that already?" she said and intensly looked into my eyes.

"You have, but you need to understand.. This is new to me"

"It's not like I've been with a thousand girls, Rachel. You're just the only person I've ever felt..-" she stopped and looked around her before grabbing my hand that was resting on the table between us "I've never felt this close to anyone, ever before" she whispered.

"You- you haven't?" I asked and cleared my throat.

I looked down on our hands being intertwined, I liked it.

"No, there are some things, well, many things.. That nobody knows. But I feel like you, you would allow me to open up and tell you about all of these things"

I knew what she was talking about, but she had no idea I did. It was all of the things she wrote in her journal, everything I read and all the things I haven't.

"Will you tell me?"

She looked at me and smirked, it was like a half smile. It made me feel warm inside, like summer lived inside me and winter was our enemy.

"Do you want to know?" she eagerly ask.

_I want to know everything about you._

"If you're willing to tell me.." I said.

"I want to. I will. But not here, not now" Quinn said and let go of my hand. 

How could someone so cold make me feel this warm? I don't understand.

I sat on the living room couch, cuddled up in my pj's, waiting for Quinn to get out of the shower. Maybe, just maybe I could get her to open up and talk to me about all those things she's been keeping for so long.

"Hey" she sneaked up behind me and said, with the towel wrapped around her body and her hair wet.

"Quinn" I said and jumped up a little.

"Did I scare you?" she said and laughed.

"No.. You're going to get cold, go dress and we'll sit and talk"

Surprisingly, she did as I said and went to the bedroom and got in her pj's. She came out of the room with her hair combed and straight, still wet, and plaid pyjama pants with a long knitted white cardigan.

"Do you want tea?" I asked.

"No, don't go up" Quinn said and sat down right beside me. She sat really close, as if the rest of the couch wasn't empty "I did so many things.. I threatened people, I hurt people.. I even ran over a kid with my car"

I know about that..

"But I didn't do it on purpose, not that. Funny though, funny how I didn't feel bad about it" she said, I could finally feel her let loose, she put her hand on my knee and looked at me in a way that until today, confused me. "I've been feeling bad ever since the last year of high school, I started with these pills"

"Pills?" I asked.

"Just listen" she said with a commanding tone in her voice "Doctors said they would make me feel happier, they didn't. I just felt like a lunatic for taking them, like a crazy depressed attention seeking lunatic" she took a deep breath and looked up at me with her eyes glued on my lips "After I stopped with them, I started with other pills.. Not from a doctor. And what can I say, I can't stop. I tried, I stopped for a month.. or like two weeks.. But I went back. However, Rachel, ever since first year, since I saw you I felt something that woke me up, feelings I never knew existed rushed into me like venom in my blood"

How was this confessing anything about the bad things she's done? I want to know what she did.

"But back to the topic, that was just a little background check" she said and sat up properly, now a bit further away from me "Everytime I see happy people, I get the urge to make them, I don't know.. Hurt them? Why do they deserve to be happy, when I'm this miserable. Does God hate me?"

"Have you killed people?" I asked, my hands were trembling and I was beyond scared of Quinn right now.

"Killed people? Almost. They didn't die, I didn't have the heart to take life away from them.. I just take away what they need in order to live a normal life" she said and looked sorry, her lips were shaking and I could see it in her eyes that she was almost as scared as I was.

I couldn't say a word, I had nothing to say. I knew Quinn, she can't.. She couldn't.

"When I look at you, Rachel.. I feel like I never want to hurt anyone ever again. I feel happy. I never feel happy" she said and stopped this time, she stopped for a long time.

I couldn't help but let her kind words towards me warm my soul up again, warm my heart. It was like magic, like whenever she touched me, stood near me or looked into my eyes she cast a spell that had me hooked on her until _she _decided it's time to let go.

"When was the last time you did something like that?" I asked.

"Right before I got here"

That means she hasn't hurt anyone in around three weeks, because she's near me. Does that mean that if she goes back home, she'll start hurting people again?

"And the pills, do you still take them?"

"I don't have any with me, so no" Quinn said.

The look in her eyes showed that she told the truth.

"Do you think that if you go back home, you'll hurt people again?"

"I'm afraid of finding out" she said and crossed her arms.

"Are you happy here?"

It took some time for her to answer this, she looked around the apartment, she looked at me and then at her hands.

"I wasn't. You didn't love me, so I was miserable, yet happier than I was back home.. Where I couldn't look at you"

I didn't love her..? Is that why she wasn't happy, because I didn't love her? I took her hand and placed it on my chest, I wanted her to feel it again, to feel my loud heartbeat. I was scared, to be honest... Still, why did those things she told me about not bother me? How can I still fall for her eyes, without noticing it myself, after knowing about all of this. Although she may need some help, I wanted to be the one she got it from. I haven't felt this way since forever and she made me love again, now.. Until she decides it's time to let go.

"I loved you" I said, still pressing her hand against my chest "I always have, I just didn't know. I didn't know I could feel like this.. towards a girl" I said and she exhaled loudly and smiled with tearfilled eyes, it was a sad smile from a finally happy person "But this heartbeat proved I can, I can because it's you, Quinn"


	7. Crave You

Brittany's POV

"Here, I got her number in this phone. Could you track it down?" I said and looked at the police officer I talked to the other day.

"Like stealing candy from a baby. Come back here in a couple of hours, We're pretty busy now... Give me maximum 3 hours, alright?" he said with his dark, raspy and overly manly voice.

"My name is Brittany, by the way"

"Good to know. I go by the name Mr. Devan, or officer Devan. My first name is John"

When I got home I had gotten three unseen mails. I knew exactly what they were about, I sat down and got ready to watch it.. This was the second one and only God knows what she put Santana through this time. I opened the file and pressed the play button.  
2 minutes into the video I honestly couldn't hold the tears in. Seeing _my _Santana getting tortured like that hurt me more than anything ever possibly could. My heart shattered everytime she screamed out of pain. I couldn't take one more second of the video, I paused and walked away from the laptop to the bathroom. I was scared of losing Santana, I can't lie about that. Dani is obviously capable of a lot of things. Dangerous things. I opened the water tap to throw some cold water on my face, I wanted to shake the vision of Santana hanging down from the ceiling, screaming, begging and crying for Dani to stop the electric shocks. I looked into the mirror and promised myself that I will find her, I will find her no matter what and I will never, ever let her go, I will guard her with my life until the last beat of my heart.

I look at the silver digital clock on the night table in mine and Santana's bedroom while I was lying on the bed, wishing time would go faster so I could go down to the station and find out if the police officer tracked Dani's number down so I could go to wherever she was and confront her.  
Every minute felt like an hour, it was two hours left and I was restless. I tried to watch TV, get a snack or surf on the internet. Although I tried really hard, nothing helped. All I could think about was how slow time went.

I opened my eyes and rubbed them, I reached for the other side of the bed and found it empty. _Wait. _I looked at the clock. 5 p.m. Damn it, I had fallen asleep.  
It had gone 4 hours since I was at the station. I jumped out of bed and made my way to the station as fast as I could.  
The wind hit my face the moment I stepped out of the apartment building, it was a bit chilly but it was good, it just made me want to get to the police station even faster.  
When I got to the station I looked around to see if the officer was somewhere around, he wasn't. I walked through the people waiting for their appointments and interviews.

"Stand in line, who do you think you are?" a blonde middle aged woman with tanned skin said with a stuck up attitude

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for the chief of police"

"We're all here for a reason, you're not any better. Get to the end of the line"

A policeman noticed the fuss so he came to make her stop.

"What's the problem, ma'am?" a tall blonde, green-eyed man wearing the original, typical police man outfit, asked.

"Can I please talk to your boss? He's probably expecting me.."

"One moment" he answered and went through one of the 'staff only' doors.

When he returned he took me with him into the office and then left me there with the officer.

"Did you do it?"

"Of course. I'm printing out the adress for you"

"So you got it?" I asked with a lot of excitement in my voice, he noticed and laughed.

"Yes I did, do you want me to send some police men with you on your little trip?"

I had to think about this.. The the pro about it would be that if I saw something, they would be there to arrest her, the con would be that she would see the police officers and not even answer the door.

"No it's okay. I'll let you know if I find something about this whole situation"

"Are you sure?" he asked "Things like this can be dangerous if you're alone.." he said and looked at me with a queasy face expression.

"I'm fine, thank you" I lied.

When I reached the destination I knocked on the door, and it was the same house I was at before. I looked around at the neighborhood and it looked like a nice one. Nobody opened but you could tell there were people inside the house. I took a few steps back and stood by the tree just a few meters away from the front door of the average sized beige coloured brick house. I thought that maybe if they couldn't see me something would happen.  
Just a few minutes after an almost black haired guy walks out of the door, he was wearing a grey hoodie, beige chinos and a pair of navy blue converse. He was looking down at the ground as he walked so I could see nothing of his face. The fact that he had dark hair was visible even though he was wearing a beanie. I started approaching him to ask him about the residents of the house but he kept walking, I walked behind him and tried to reach his arm but he just started walking faster.

"Hey! Wait up!" I said when I finally reached him.

He didn't turn around so I reached for his arm. Without being ready at all he knocked me down with his elbow and ran away, I would run after him but I couldn't stand up because of the awful headache I got. At last I did but it was too late, he was already gone. However, I walked up to the door again and knocked. I refused to give up.

"What do you want?" Dani's mother asked, the same woman who was by the door the first time.

"Where's Santana?" I asked. I guess saying hello wasn't something for her.

"I don't know what you are talking about, leave before I call the police"

"Call the police? Oh I can do that, I can do that right now. In fact, the police officer himself tracked your daughters number down and sent me here"

She just stood there, she tried her best to cover up the fact that she was very nervous but I noticed, her face and body language screamed _nervous_.

"You're at the wrong house" she said calmly "Try the others around here" she finally said and tried to close the door on my face but I prevented the door from being shut with my foot.

"I don't want to call the police. Just give me answers and I will leave you alone. Firstly, who was that guy who walked out earlier?"

"That.. it wa-" she needed to clear her throat before continuing her sentence "it was my nephew"

"Why did your nephew act so mysteriously and knock me down for no reason?"

She didn't have an answer to my question. She looked at me with empty eyes and her wrinkly and tired face started to look more sad than angry.

"What your daughter is doing to Santana is not okay, she is hurting her. Did you know that? She's torturing her" I said with a low voice, almost like a whisper.

"I can't help you, I'm sorry" she said, without giving me any clue at all on where Dani kept Santana.

"You're giving me no choice" I said and took a step back.

She didn't respond. She dragged her hand through her dark brown hair and closed the door. I walked down to the sidewalk, picked the phone out of my jacket pocket and called the number the police officer gave me.

"I'm here. I need your help, they won't talk to me"

15 minutes later a cop car with the sirens on stops by the sidewalk. Two policemen and the officer I had several meetings with, Mr. Devan walked up to the house I pointed at, with me just one step behind them.

"Hello. Are you the woman of the house?"

"I am, officer. How can I help you?"

Oh,_ now_ she was being polite.

"Yes, we are looking for Dani, we believe that is your daughter? She is accused of kidnapping one Santana Lopez" the police officer said.

"I don't know anyone named Dani, I have no children, Sir" she answered.

The police officer turned to me and gave me a forced smile and then whispered something into his colleagues ears.

"_Mami, who is that by the door?" _someone from inside the house said.

Officer Devan looked inside the house directly when he heard the young, female voice and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Who is that?"

"That is my niece, Sir" she said with a incredibly innocent voice.

"I'm sorry ma'am we're gonna have to search your house" Officer Devan said and gave a hand gesture to the two police men beside him so they would start moving.

"You can't search my house without permission!" she protested

"I am the chief of staff for the New York city police department, ma'am. Step aside and this will go very fast if you have nothing to hide" he said and stepped into the house.


	8. Mine

Quinn's POV

Who the hell is that guy anyways? She's been standing there for 15 minutes, talking to him while I wait for her to come see me. If she asks me to wait for her until she gets of work then the better thing to do is to not let me wait. He's totally flirting with her, he repeatedly touched her shoulder and gave her playful looks and smirks. Is it bad that I want to know what he's saying to her? Is it weird that I get jealous? I honestly don't think so. I mean, I love her for god's sake.

"Done!" she said as she ran up to my side.

"You were done 15 minutes ago" I said with a jeering tone.

"Is something wrong?" she asked me before we started walking.

"No, no" I said and smiled at her "Let's go"

The reason I waited for her was because she wanted me to accompany her, she needed to go shopping. She looked for sweaters, skirts, jeans and dresses. Honestly, I didn't even feel like being here right now. I just wanted to go home, my head was hurting and my mood was ruined after seeing her like that with that guy. It bothered me so much that she seemed to be flirting back from my point of view. She knew I was watching, which actually made the whole thing worse. However, I know, I know it's stupid. It was just a normal little talk, I hope. But something about seeing her so happy with someone else but me woke up the jealous girl inside and I had no clue how to stop.

After Rachel had bought all her stuff we started walking home. She kept talking to me about her day and I listened most of the time, just to be polite. When we got home I started making dinner because I knew she was hungry, she wouldn't shut up about during the whole time we were walking.

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Anything" I heard her shout from the bedroom.

After I was thinking for a while she came back.

"I can call and order a pizza if you want to instead" she said when she stood in front of me "I don't know, I get the feeling you're not in the mood"

"Yeah, do that" I said and walked away from her.

"Quinn? What's going on?" She followed me and asked.

This is just really fucking embarrassing. Still, I somehow can't stop myself from getting angry about it.

"Who was that guy?" I calmly asked.

"What guy?" she said and slowed down "Oh my god, Is this about Jimmy?"

"I don't know who Jimmy is, but if it's the guy you were flirting with outside the diner then yes"

She just looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. She started to change her look from concerned to annoyed.

"You have no right to be mad about that" she said and stood right in front of me "we work together, I'm allowed to talk to other people, Quinn"

''You're not allowed to flirt with other people"

I'm aware of the fact that I need to stop but she's just annoying me so much right now and anger mixed with jealousy is the last thing I know how to control without snapping.

''You can't tell me what to do.." she quietly said, facing the floor.

I pushed her head up from the chin so she would look up at me.

"You don't flirt with other people'' I said again.

"Again, you don't have the right to tell me what to do. Since when do we do that?"

"Rachel, everything we've talked about and done, you kissed me?" I said and paused "what does that make us? I'm not joking around" I said, or almost yelled at her this time.

She looked like she was scared, like she regretted she ever brought this up.

"I don't need this" she said and walked away.

I don't understand what she's talking about, what is it she doesn't need? Me? I followed her into the bedroom and dragged her arm so she would stop walking.

"Stop, Rachel" I said and held her against the wall "What don't you need? Don't you love me?" I whispered right into her ear

''I-.. I don't mean I don't love you" she said and I could hear her breaths getting faster.

"You're confusing me!" I yelled and let her arms go.

She didn't move. She was still standing against the wall just the way she was before. My arms surrounded her.

"I'm sorry" she said and her eyes started to tear up "you just don't understand"

"No I don't understand because you don't explain. I can't read minds" I aggressively said and stared her down.

"I can't put a label on us. I just can't" she said and swallowed the lump in her throat to prevent herself from bursting into tears.

''You don't want to put a label on us? Do you mean like, being my girlfriend?"

"Yes.. I- I don't know"

"But if I was someone else you would be bursting into a stupid musical number with me the moment you saw me like life is perfect and just do everything for me to call you my girlfriend!" she didn't say anything. I think she was shocked I yelled at her like this "Am I right?"

"No, you're not" she said and tried to push herself away from where she was standing "Get out of my way, Quinn"

"Don't take a tiny little step away from here, do you understand?" I said and placed my hands on her cheeks.

"Quinn, please I want to be alone" she said and pushed me off her and walked away.

''No we are going to talk about this. I finally got you and I'm not letting you go, not this time!" I shouted as I walked after her into the living room.

"Are you doing all of this because I was talking to a guy?" She stopped and said with a weirdly calm voice "are you really that obsessed with me?!" Rachel now tried to raise her voice but it cracked.

"Why are you crying? I'm the one who should be crying, one second you love me and the other you act like a fucking psychopath!"

"Oh, are we going to talk about psychopaths?" she said.

My heart started racing and I felt the urge to just.. I didn't want to think this way about her. It's just that bringing up my weak spot and making me feel like I'm crazy will in fact, actually drive me crazy.

"Don't"

"Don't what? Tell you the truth.."

"Rachel, shut the fuck up"

"No you shut up, Quinn!" She yelled at me ''You think I'm the same high school Rachel who takes anyone's shit anymore but I don't take shit from anyone. Don't try dictate in my own apartment. This is my place, not yours"

Something about her being like this made me fall in love with her even more. I've never seen Rachel yell at anyone like this, especially not me. I couldn't help but smiling.

"What the hell are you smiling for? Is this funny to you.. I don't understand what you expect from me, Quinn" she said and swallowed a big lump again "if you get jealous because of something like that then I don't know what to tell you, I didn't even flirt. We just talked"

''He flirted with you and you let him. You don't, next time"

"Do you want me to just walk away from him?"

"Tell him you're not single" I said and walked closer to her and put my arms around her waist.

She looked up at me with hey eyes glued to mine.

"But I am single" she said and tried to take a step back.

I let her go and stood there looking at her with an empty face. It's like someone just crushed glass under my feet. Like she never kissed me or told me she loves me. What did she think we were? Friends..? Friends don't kiss and talk to each other this way, or touch the way we do.

''You know what, tell me now. Do you want me or not?"

She dried her cheeks and just stood there with no words at all leaving her mouth.

"Answer me, I need to know if it's worth staying here and even try, or not. Am I just wasting my time?"

This time she looked up.

"If I say I don't want you, will you leave?"

She can't be serious.. Does this mean doesn't want me? She was probably confused, I knew it, I knew that she was disgusted by the person I am. How could anyway possibly fall in love with someone like me?

"Yes.." I said and eagerly stared at her.

She took her time to answer me. Rachel started taking slow and doubtful steps towards me.

"Quinn" she whispered.

_My body shivers every time you say my name._

I felt my heart beating faster for every step she took towards me, the closer she got the more I wanted to just throw myself at her.

''I'm scared''

''Scared of what?'' I asked.

''Scared of all of my feelings''

What is she trying to say? Her face turned into that baby face she gets every time she's nervous or scared. The face I fell in love with.

''What feelings, Rachel?''

''My love for you, it's so strong'' she paused ''that's what scares me. Like I said before, you're the first girl who's ever brought these feelings out''

''Don't be scared, it's the same for me'' I said and held her hand.

''But-''

''No. Listen. You're mine. Whoever tries to flirt with you, or tries to take you away from me will be sorry. You're only mine''

She let out a heavy breath and by that I knew I had taken her breath away when I placed my hands on her cheeks again.

''You're so.. You can't do that''

''I love you, Rachel''

She didn't say anything. I felt her cheeks getting warmer and her eyes glossier. Her lips widened as if it was the first time I said it to her.

''I love you so much it disgusts me'' I said again ''and the thought of you being taken away from is what I'm obsessed with''

''I'm in lo-'' she stopped.

_No. Please say it. Say you love me. I've been waiting, tell me you're in love with me. Just say those exact words. Say it, say ''I'm in love with you, Quinn''_

_"_You're what?" I asked and my hands dropped of her cheeks.

"I'm tired" she said and smiled.

The fact that she was about to say the words I have been craving for God knows how long but stopped made my heart feel swollen.

"It's not even late, Rachel"

"Fine. Make tea, will you? I'll just change into something comfortable"

I did as she said and she walked into the bedroom.

Rachel's POV

I couldn't resist, the journal was standing right on the nightstand on Quinn's side of the bed. My hand reached for it and I picked it up. She bookmarked a page and I opened it.

_"24th April, 2013_

_She still doesn't know I have them with me. I just can't find a way to let her know. She would hate me for lying to her. Rachel wouldn't understand me if I told her. I only know some people who actually would. For example, when I told Santana some months ago.. Or I didn't tell her. She invaded my privacy and searched all my drawers until she found something interesting, and she did. However, she understood and was there for me, she tried to help me instead of lecturing me. _

_Rachel would freak out and make me leave her place even though she knows my parents won't accept me right now. I feel bad for lying to her but I can't tell her. I won't."_

"What's taking so long?" Quinn said as she walked in and saw me standing there with the journal in my hands. "Rach-.."

I looked at her with so much disappointment in my eyes. What I was most angry about right now was not the fact that she still pops pills. It's the fact that she thinks I will leave her alone and force her out of my apartment, she thinks I won't help her get through this. She wrote all of this today.. She still thinks of me that way. I will obviously never be good enough for her if she still compares me with Santana now and God knows who she'll compare me with later. I thought we were over that, I thought we were being honest with each other.

"You told me.. You told me you stopped, Quinn. You lied to me. I trusted you"

"Rachel, I can explain everything. I will read the whole journal to you if you want. I'm not afraid of opening up to you anymore" Quinn said and grabbed my hand.

"Please don't" I said and pulled my hand away.

She looked devastaded but I hate being lied to. After I opened my heart and let her in, I find out she lied to me.. She truly hasn't changed at all.

"You should get your own place"

"What?" she said and freezed right where she stood "Rachel, don't do this to me.. I-.."

"You were right, everything you wrote was right. Why don't you go live with Santana? Maybe _she'll_ understand you, right? I bet she will. I just can't live with a liar. You need to leave"


	9. Rachel

Quinn's POV

I had no idea what to do now. Was it worth it, you know, to even try to convince Rachel. Try to change her mind. Was it worth it? I don't know. She stared at me and it made me nervous. She stood there before my face waiting for a reaction or waiting for something to happen. Maybe she was waiting for me to move, maybe go pack my bags and leave her little apartment. I couldn't do that. Why would I do that? Why can't she just let me stay. Is it because I lied to her? Or maybe because she started notice how fucked up I am. How one second I'm happy and the other I just don't want anyone to come near me. Not even Rachel.

I looked at Rachel's furrowed face and begged God in my mind to please calm her down. Please, let her understand that she's all I got. Everything else is useless, it's stupid.. It's boring. Rachel didn't say a word yet. I looked at her face and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her. It made me sick to my stomach and I just didn't know what move to make next.

"Quinn, do you understand? You need to go" she finally said.

She was serious. I felt my heart gather all emotions I had just to explode and take it all out on the one person who actually manages to make me smile.

"I don't understand if you can hear me, Quinn" she said and waved her hand right in front of my eyes like I was some stupid child "But you need to leave. Now"

I grabbed her arm and squeezed her wrist with my hand. She let out a silent squeal, I guess it hurt her.

"I'm not stupid" I said.

"What are you doing? You're hurting me" she said and her cheeks started turning red. I don't know if it was out of embarrasment or pain.

"How dare you, Rachel?"

"How dare I what?" she asked with confusion in her little brown eyes.

"You're acting like a child. Kicking me out of here won't make everything good again. I need you. I need us"

She just stared at me again and dragged herself of me holding on to her arm. Honestly, it seemed like the only way to convince Rachel was to be manipulative.

"You lied to me. I can't deal with you lying to me just when I finally opened up and actually talked to you about how I felt. Do you know how it feels to be compared with other people by the person you're in love with?"

_Rachel. You said it. Please, say it again._

"What did you say?" I asked.

"You heard me. I said I don't like being compared with others.."

"And after that?"

She looked up at me now. She understood. And she understood that she accidentally finally told me she's in love with me. I could never leave now, even if she threatned me with a knife or a gun or whatever, I would stay.

"I-I said.. It's worst when it's someone you love" she said and this time her cheeks were red because she was blushing.

I couldn't help but smiling.

"You said you're in love with me, Rachel" I said and smiled at her.

"I did not" she protested.

"But you did.." I said and pulled her closer with my hands on her waist "You did and you can't take it back" I whispered into her ear.

"You still-still have to go" she said with a stutter that made her even more adorable.

"Do you really want me to go?" I asked and looked into her eyes. I didn't stop. I kept looking until she gave me an answer. And funny part is, she wasn't strong enough to look away.

"I don't.. But it doesn't change anything"

I lowered my face and kissed her. Warm shivers spread all over my body and my hands got warm, warmer than they were before. What surprised me the most was that despite her words from before, she didn't pull away from my sudden kiss. She kept her lips intertwined with mine and threw her hands around my neck.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so, so sorry" I said as I with all strenght and energy in my body, pulled away "Don't leave me alone, let's just talk about it. Okay?" I said and took the strand of her hair that was blocking her right eye a little bit and put it behind her ear.

"Okay" she said and looked into my eyes and I swear to God I felt the biggest swell of emotions, I would like to say happiness, but I wasn't sure, being sent to my chest.

I went to the kitchen to make her tea, I knew the one thing that could calm Rachel down was tea. Well, I could calm her down too but I could also make her go crazy so what was the use to even try to make something else right now.

"Quinn, will you come in here?" I heard Rachel.

"I'm making tea for you" I said.

"Forget it, just come in here"

I would lie if I said it didn't make me nervous but I did as I was told and made my way to the bedroom. I walked in and Rachel was sitting on the bed with my journal on her knees. She looked nor happy or sad so I didn't really know what to expect. All I noticed was the way her face lit up when I smiled at her.

"Would you..-"

"Yes" I said and sat down next to her.

Rachel didn't have to tell me what she wanted. I knew exactly just the moment she opened her lips. She wanted me to read to her from the journal. Honestly, I didn't want to. Some of the things in there were really cheesy and other things were just really mean so I made sure I chose one of the good pages. I picked out a chapter, or what would you call it, a part? I don't really know.

"18th December, 2010" I read out loud and looked up to make sure she was looking at me too "Christmas is coming up. I don't understand what everyone is so giddy about.. My christmas is going to be nothing but miserable. I wish I could spend it with her, yes, her. Rachel. I don't care anymore. I like her. And I really just want to give her presents and spend the whole day with her. No matter how much she could annoy me sometimes, she could really be unbearable.. But somehow I still found her so adorable, brave and amazing" I said and let out a loud sigh, I was honestly kind of embarrassed.

"Quinn.. Did you really, really feel like that about me then too? I always thought you hated me"

"Like I told you before, I've always loved you.. And no, you didn't think I hated you, Rachel. I think that deep inside you knew"

Rachel didn't respond. She took the journal off my hands and placed it on the nightstand. She took my hands and looked into my eyes. I felt my whole body starting to feel warm and I got into this sudden, very cuddly mood. I just wanted to hug her. Was that wrong? Would it be weird? I opened my arms and wrapped them around her. Being that close to her made me let out a smile with my head resting on her shoulder as her head rested on mine. I brushed my hand through her hair and now placed my hand at the back of her head.

"I love you"

"And I love you" I said.


	10. Happy Birthday

Rachel's POV

Quinn. Quinn, damn it. I was in love with Quinn. In some kind of twisted way I've always known it, in some way, I've always felt it inside me that _she _out of all people is in fact different. She's special. It's hard to explain the feeling. All I can say is that with Quinn, I feel comfortable being myself but I also feel comfortable _not _being myself. It's twisted but so was this whole relationship and I loved it anyway.

Today was my birthday. I woke up to the smell of pancakes and right on my face the sun shone in from the curtains that had been opened up, Obviously by Quinn. I fought with all the power inside me to open up my eyes and appreciate Quinn's effort. I turned around and sat up properly as she with her usual mysterious smile put the tray of pancakes, a glass of orange juice and blueberries in front of me.

"Eat up, birthday girl" she smiled and went out of the room after planting a kiss on my forehead.

I ate up the pancakes, they were great and also a lot of them but I did finish up the whole plate. I didn't want Quinn to think I didn't like them. I only wished she'd stay and allow me to share them with her if she now hadn't eaten any before me. However, somehow she sensed that I was done or she had been watching me but she walked in right when I was done with a smile on her lips.

"Were they any good?" she asked and held her hands behind her back.

"Yes, thank you so much" I said and she picked the tray up from my legs and placed it on the floor.

"Here, I got you a little something" she said and gave me the little box she had hidden in her hands behind her back.

I took the box and held it before opening up. I looked at Quinn and she smiled at me and gave a little nod. I started unwrapping it and the gift slowly started to appear. When I finally saw what it was my heart nearly dropped. She remembered. A few weeks ago me and Quinn were walking by the same place we were at when we visited New York the first time, together. It was a little shop that was kind of hidden in a corner, owned by a small irish man, or he sounded irish. We went in and there was this antique, old school camera that I really wanted but I didn't have the money to buy it just then. You know, those kind of cameras when you take a picture and it comes out directly. Now again we passed the store and it was still there, I had the money for it now but Quinn talked me into not buying it even though I really wanted to. She said things like "What's it for? Old stuff get broken easily, don't waste your money on crap" but now I understood why she said that.

"Quinn, you.."

"I know" she said and I swear the smile on her face didn't leave her lips since I saw her. It made me happy seeing her like this.

"Thank you so much" I said and approached her face with my lips pointing right at hers "This was really thoughtful" I said and kissed her.

Somehow, our kisses always felt like magic. Like someone cast a spell on me and I automatically start smiling. I didn't know if it was like that for Quinn too but I hope it was. When we pulled away I picked up the polaroid camera up and snapped a picture of Quinn. She wasn't ready so she was wearing her smile, again and her eyes were dreamy, glued on mine. Or in this case, glued on the camera. I gave the picture a soft quick kiss and handed it over to her.

"Look at how pretty you are" I said.

The morning passed fast and without even noticing it was dinner time. Quinn had been too nice to me all day and I really liked it. I liked that she actually tried and wanted to make this day work out perfectly. Again, I got caught by surprise when Quinn told me we were going out for dinner tonight, to celebrate my birthday. She didn't tell me where, she just said we were going out. The only detail I got was that it was a nice place so I got into the shower in time so I could start getting ready.

After around two hours we were both ready to go. I was wearing my embroidered keyhole shirt tucked into my short red skirt. It was simple but classy. Quinn had a short dress on. Hers was detailed in black and white and it was tight on her body. She looked quiet amazing. No, actually, she looked great.

"You look perfect" she whispered into my ear as I was checking myself in the mirror. It sent shivers down my spine but I took it as another way of her telling me it's time to get going.

When we got to the restaurant I directly understood that this place was very expensive, and it also was a really nice place. I couldn't find ways to tell her but I was really happy. I mean it. I was happy. We sat down and a tall asian girl dressed in the typical waitress outfit gave us menus and I started looking through what they had. I decided to go with the risotto. I wasn't in the mood to try something new. The waitress came back after a while and Quinn told her what we decided to order. She wrote it down on a white piece of paper and walked away with what I felt like was a forced out smile.

"So, what do you think?" she asked.

"I think it's amazing. Thank you" I said for like the fiftieth time today.

Quinn always looked so happy when I was near, I've noticed. When I was watching from a far, when she was cooking something up or when she was changing for example, she looked a bit grumpy. After we had been talking for what felt like a short time, the waitress returned with our plates in her hands.

"One risotto and one gnocchi con funghi" she said with a perfect italian pronunciation of the dishes.

"Thank you" Quinn said and looked down at the food before her "Well, let's try this" she said and laughed as if she was a bit insecure about her choice.

The night went really well and we had been sitting there for almost two hours, weirdly, it all went so fast. It felt like we've just gotten here.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

"Yes. I really am, Quinn"

"Good, bet you thought I wouldn't remember" she said and chuckled.

"No, I didn't" I confessed "But again, I'm really happy you did remember" I said and she held my hand that was lying on the table just some inches away from her.

I would have to say I'm lying if I didn't admit that it surprised me, I mean, I love Quinn but she wasn't usually intimate in front of others. I don't think she wanted people to see her being romantic with a girl. I mean, neither did I, at first. Now though, I couldn't care less. With Quinn, I didn't think about it.

"Excuse me for a moment will you?" Quinn said and walked over to the same waitress that had been serving us all night. I watched her as they spoke and it looked like she was up to something.

Quinn's purse was on the left side of the black wooden table right by her plate and when I saw it I remembered I told Quinn to put my lipstick in there because I didn't bring my purse. I reached for it and started to rout out for my lipstick. I knew it got a bit messed up so I wanted to look better for whatever Quinn was planning to do for me now. My hand kept digging after until it instead got a grip of some kind of jar. I picked it up and looked at it. I felt some kind of sickness inside me.

Just as I turned around and got ready to confront Quinn I heard the waitress along with some other people from the staff sing happy birthday to me with a cake that was placed in front of me. I looked down on it and they had written "Happy Birthday Rachel" on it. There were candles placed in so I could do the whole make a wish thing. I looked at Quinn and she hadn't noticed everything yet, she just stood there, all happy and proud and waiting for me to respond to all of this. Maybe a smile or a hug, I don't know. Normally, of course, I would. I would get up and I would give her a kiss. But how could I possibly do that now?

"Rachel.. Are you okay?" Quinn asked when they had stopped singing and went to bring a knife to cut the cake up with.

"Ask yourself, are you okay?" I said and threw the gallipot of pills right on the floor in front of her. The lid that held the pills in opened and they were all spread in front of her with the orange tinted little gallipot right there too, empty now. "I don't understand what you expect from me when you keep lying.." I quietly said, snatched my coat and left her standing there alone.


	11. Liar Liar I love you so

Rachel's POV

Honestly, when you're so deeply in love with someone, I don't think anything they do could ever make you angry. I don't think anything they do could make you _hate _them. It's impossible. It really is. I know, it's stupid. It's stupid that no matter what Quinn does or what lies she feeds me with I just forgive her some days after, most times only some hours after. Does it make me pathetic? Or weak? I don't know, I haven't figured it out myself but all I'm sure of is that my love for her makes it so hard to let go. No matter what.

"Rachel.." she said when she walked into the apartment just a few minutes after me.

I didn't respond. My face kept looking down at the floor.

"Rachel, I'm sorry" she mumbled and sat down beside me on the couch.

I glansed at her and she was looking down at the floor as well.

"Please" she sighed and pressed her hand against mine but got shocked when I pulled it away.

"Quinn, I don't know what to tell you"

She now looked up and stared at me, she tried to make me look at her and it worked. I looked at her face and I could feel her regret it all just by looking at her. I knew her that well.

"You just need to know that it's hard to let go of drugs like that. It's not easy, Rachel" she calmly said and her eyes didn't look away from mine, not even once "Imagine having something you're obsessed with, something you know is really bad for you but you still keep it because you're so damn obsessed with the thing. Imagine being asked to get rid of it, would it be easy?"

_It's like that with you, silly. It's exactly like that with you. _I guess you could say in this case Quinn was the bad drug I was obsessed with.

"Obviously" I mumbled.

She didn't say anything, It's like she read my mind, like she knew how I felt. I tried to come up with something smart to say but I couldn't. I honestly couldn't. Quinn was so important to me and it hurt me more than anything that she lies and lies, over and over again. I can't do anything to stop it. I mean, we've been fighting about different lies she's told but I always, and I literally mean _always _forgive her. I can't find it in my heart to actually give up on her. On us.

"So how are you going to deal with this? Do you think we can try to.. recover from it?" she said and gave me a quick smile that vanished really fast.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can be with you. I can't keep letting you lie to me. It hurts me, Quinn. Don't you understand that it hurts me when you keep lying all the time?" I said and tried to sound as serious as I could.

"I said I was sorry. I'm sorry"

"Sorry doesn't help when you've used it a thousand times before. It just doesn't count anymore, it's useless"

I really didn't want to cause a scene. All I wanted was to get this over with. I wanted to decide what I really wanted because I was confusing myself with my thoughts. I one moment wanted to forgive her and the other ask her to leave me alone for good.

"You're not going to break up with me, both you and I know that" she said with the most annoying, stuck up tone I've ever heard her use.

"Why are you so sure about that?"

She looked nervous when I asked her that. Like she doubted herself. She looked like she was thinking, her eyes narrowed and she was lightly biting her lower lip. Just in the middle of nowhere Quinn stood up and looked away at the window.

"Because remember that time at the roof, or when you always cover me up when I've fallen asleep or when you always make me breakfast and the way you always smile when you see me after work or our little talks in the middle of the night?" she said right in front of me "I know I lied so many times, and you don't deserve any of it. I'm a shit person, a disgrace, I know. I'm so sorry, I really am. I'm sorry. But those moments between us are things you'll never get with someone else, _never._"

I knew Quinn, she was smart. She knew exactly what to say and how to say it in order to make me fall deeper. But this time, it was different. She said all those things with another tone and another tempo, like she really wanted the words to get stuck in my mind. And they did, they got stuck.

"No, I can't get it with someone else, you're special" I answered and watched her face light up "It still doesn't change the fact that you lied"

"I know, it will never change. Right? Right" she said and sat down on her knees. That way she could hold my hands better because I was still sitting down on the couch. This time I let her hold them, I didn't strike her hands away or something "That's why, Rachel, That's why I've decided to leave. I've decided it's time for me to go"

I looked down at her hands when she said that and a big feeling of regret placed in my chest and it felt like it kept poking me. It was unbearable.

"Rachel, say something" she said and squeezed my hand harder "You need to say something" she said again and placed her hand on my cheek. She leaned forward and kissed the edge of my face, right by the jawline and I felt her thumb press a bit harder against my cheek when she kissed my face.

"I love you, okay?" she said again and stood up "I love you too much to stay around and hurt you" she started walking towards the bedroom now, to pack I guess. I still hadn't said a word "I just want you to know something though, my stay here, our shared love.. It has turned me into a better person, someone happier. Well, beside from the drug thing, I've really changed. Thank you" she said and went in to get ready to leave.

It's been 2 whole weeks since Quinn left and we haven't spoken ever since. I know it's not much but these two weeks have been the hardest thing I've had to go through. Maybe it's because I miss her so damn much but also maybe because I'm worried thinking about where she is. Knowing her parents won't accept her right now she's probably with Santana and Brittany. I was close to calling this morning but I didn't. It was her decision to leave this time, I actually didn't ask her and that only means she wanted to leave so I have no right to beg her to come back. Even though I wanted to. I wanted her to know that I feel empty without her, I wanted to tell her that I'm sorry for making a scene at the restaurant at my birthday. I just couldn't.

However, I didn't have any plans on a Sunday night. Kurt asked me to go with him to the movies or something but I didn't have the energy. I didn't feel like going out. I sat on the couch and just read out of the book. Everything in this apartment reminded me of her now. The couch, the window, the kitchen, the floor. For gods sake even the building reminded me of her, it made me think of our first kiss up at the roof. I closed the book and walked over to the bedroom. I picked up the phone and dialed in Santana's number. After some short moments she picked up.

''Hey Santana''

''Rachel, hi. I didn't expect you to call. What's up?'' she said

''I was wondering if Quinn was staying with you''

Santana paused for a second before she answered and then continued.

''Sorry, she's not here. What happened?''

''Oh nothing, I'm just wondering, but alright see you around'' I said and hung up.

So if Santana was telling the truth then Quinn wasn't with them. That means she's probably at her parents place. I hope. I want her to be. I decided not to call them up though. I took it as a sign, if we were meant to be then Quinn would be over at Santana's place. But she wasn't, and I couldn't change anything that happened.

It's stupid that I blame myself for all of this when really Quinn is the one to be blamed. She ruined us, not me, not anyone else. She did. Although I was aware of this, it was still impossible to understand that it was over. The best and worst thing I've ever had is over. Just like that. No warning, nothing.

Today was as always, usual. I went to work and then home to have a little me time. After that me and Kurt went out for drinks. He sensed something wrong with me so as always, he had to ask. I said it was nothing but he kept bugging me so I told him everything.

At home I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I really couldn't. The thought of her kept me awake. It was like a beautiful nightmare I couldn't escape from. Her voice, her smell, even her touch. It was all stuck in my mind. I got out of bed and looked at the clock. 1.30 pm. I opened the drawer where I kept the Polaroid camera she bought for me and picked it up. I looked at it for a while and put it down again. I picked up the picture of her I had taken on the day of my birthday. Even looking at her picture gave me the feeling. I was so desperate. I turned the photo to avoid her face and saw a phone number written on the back of it. It made me curious so I picked up my phone and called it even though it was late and the person was probably asleep.

''Hello?'' I said when the person picked up.

I got no answer but I could hear them breathing on the other line.

''I can hear you breathing, who is this?''

The phone call got cancelled and I tried calling again. This time they didn't pick up. Maybe it was Quinn's drug dealers number, what do I know. I decided to ignore it and go to sleep.

I got woken up by a hard knock on the door. The first time I thought I imagined it but then I heard it twice again. It sounded like the door was going to break. I looked at the clock on the nightstand and it was 2.45 pm now. The door knocked again and I got up.

''Who the hell makes spontaneous visits at this hour..'' I mumbled as I half asleep made my way to the door in only my pajamas on.

I reached the door and unlocked it and pushed the doorknob down. When I saw who was standing in front of me, everything stood still. I had to blink several times and even touch her arm to make sure I wasn't dreaming. She just smiled.

''Wh-what are you doing here..''

''Fate brought me to you. I wrote the number down, and if you ever found it and decided to call it. I would take it as a sign by God that I belong with you''

With the past pushed aside, I felt the biggest swell of happiness reach the core of my chest. I was surprised, but I was happy. I threw myself in her arms and looked up at her face. She looked awful. Only God knows where she was. How come that even when she looked awful, I found her more beautiful than anyone else in the world?

''Promise to never leave again'' I whispered on her neck.

I felt her kissing my hair and her arms tighten around my waist. She pressed her hand against my back to push me even closer to her. As if it was possible.

"I promise many things from now on"

She held my face with her hands and kissed my lips. This felt exactly like our first kiss, maybe because I hadn't seen her for two weeks. Which was really hard for me. I missed everything about her. How would I make it without her forever? The thought of someone else touching my skin, whisper into my ear and kissing me made me nervous. I only wanted all those things from her. The kiss made my whole body warm. With her lips still glued to mine we slowly stepped into the apartment together and she closed the door behind her with her arm. She pulled away and sat me down on the bed. She looked into my eyes like nothing else was around her. I was the only "object" she could see. She put a strand of hair that was in the way behind my ear, like she always did. Her hand was wandering around my back and neck until she reached my cheek again. I thought she was going to kiss me again but she didn't. Her lips were just one inch away from touching me, she quickly just brushed them against mine and closed her eyes just to open them again two seconds later. The room was dark but the shining in her eyes was still perfectly visible.

"I love you more than anything, Rachel"

* * *

**This was the last chapter of this story!**


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